Money (15)
Money is one of the topics couples most often avoid before marriage. Put the numbers on the table.
- How much debt do we each have, and what kind?
- What are our credit scores?
- Will we combine finances, keep them separate, or do both?
- Who will pay which bills?
- How much can either of us spend without checking in first?
- How do you feel about budgeting?
- What are you saving for right now?
- How much should we keep in an emergency fund?
- How do you feel about lending money to family or friends?
- What did your parents teach you about money, good or bad?
- What would we do if one of us lost a job?
- How do you feel about one partner earning much more than the other?
- Do we want a prenup? Why or why not?
- How much do we want to spend on the wedding?
- When do we want to buy a home, if ever?
Family and children (15)
Assumptions about children and in-laws cause some of the deepest conflicts. Say it out loud now.
- Do you want children? How many?
- When would you want to start trying?
- How would we handle it if we couldn't have children?
- How do you feel about adoption or fostering?
- What kind of parents do we want to be?
- How were you disciplined as a child, and would you repeat it?
- Who would stay home, if anyone, when children are young?
- How often do you expect to see your family?
- Where will we spend holidays?
- How involved should our parents be in our decisions?
- What will we do if a parent needs care as they age?
- What boundaries do we need with our families?
- Is there anything about my family that worries you?
- Which family traditions matter most to you?
- How do you want our children raised in terms of religion or values?
Careers and home (10)
Where you live and how you work shape daily life more than almost anything.
- Where do we want to live in five years?
- Would you move for my career? Would I for yours?
- How important is your career to your identity?
- How many hours a week do you expect to work?
- How do we split housework fairly?
- Who does which chores now, and is that working?
- How do you feel about pets?
- City, suburb or countryside?
- How much alone time do you need at home?
- What does a restful weekend look like to you?
Conflict and communication (15)
Every couple argues. What matters is how you argue and how you repair.
- How did your parents handle conflict?
- What do you do when you're angry?
- Do you need space during an argument or do you want to resolve it right away?
- What's something I do that hurts you more than I realize?
- How do you like to receive an apology?
- What topics are hard for you to talk about?
- How will we handle it if one of us feels unheard?
- Would you be open to couples counseling if we got stuck?
- How do you want me to support you when you're stressed?
- What does respect look like to you in a disagreement?
- Is there anything from past relationships we should talk about?
- How often do you want to check in on how we're doing?
- What's a phrase that makes you shut down?
- How do we make decisions when we disagree?
- What does forgiveness mean to you?
Intimacy and sex (10)
Awkward to ask, much more awkward to discover after the wedding.
- How important is physical intimacy to you in a marriage?
- How often would you ideally like to be intimate?
- What makes you feel desired?
- How should we talk about it when our needs are different?
- How comfortable are you discussing sex openly?
- What will we do if our sex life changes after kids or with age?
- What does faithfulness mean to you, beyond the obvious?
- How do you feel about friendships with exes?
- How do you feel about affection in public?
- What should we do if one of us feels rejected?
Values, faith and traditions (10)
Shared values carry a marriage through years when feelings fluctuate.
- What role does faith or spirituality play in your life?
- How do you want faith to show up in our home?
- What values do you want our family to be known for?
- How do you feel about giving to charity?
- Which political or social issues matter most to you?
- How do we want to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries?
- What does a good marriage look like to you?
- Whose marriage do you admire, and why?
- What does loyalty mean to you?
- What's non-negotiable for you in how we treat each other?
Health and habits (10)
Health changes over a lifetime together. Talk about habits and expectations early.
- Is there any health history I should know about?
- How do you feel about alcohol, smoking or other substances?
- How important is fitness to you?
- How do you handle stress day to day?
- Have you ever struggled with your mental health, and what helped?
- How would you want me to support you if you were ill?
- What are your sleep habits, and do they clash with mine?
- How do you feel about therapy?
- What are your screen and phone habits like?
- What does self-care look like for you?
The future and dealbreakers (15)
End with the big picture, and with honesty about what would be too much.
- Why do you want to marry me?
- What do you think marriage will change between us?
- What are you most excited about in our future?
- What are you most nervous about?
- Where do you see us in ten years?
- What does retirement look like to you?
- What personal goals do you want support with?
- How will we keep dating each other after we marry?
- How will we keep friendships outside our marriage?
- What would you consider a betrayal?
- What would make you want to leave a marriage?
- What are your dealbreakers?
- How will we know if we need help?
- How do you want to grow as a person over the next decade?
- What promise do you most want to keep to me?
How to work through the list
- One section per sitting. Eight sections across eight weeks is a realistic pace before a wedding.
- Write your answers separately first, then compare. It prevents one person's answer from shaping the other's.
- Mark each question: agree, differ but fine, or needs more talk.
- Bring the "needs more talk" list to a premarital counselor or pastor if you are working with one.
A quick way to warm up is the free couples quiz, which shows how well you already predict each other's answers.
Frequently asked questions
What should couples discuss before marriage?
Money and debt, children, family boundaries, where to live, careers, household roles, conflict style, intimacy expectations, faith and values, health, and personal dealbreakers.
What are the most important questions to ask before marriage?
Whether you both want children, how you will manage money, how you handle conflict, how involved your families will be, and what each of you would consider a betrayal or dealbreaker.
Is premarital counseling worth it?
Many couples find a structured setting helps with topics they avoid on their own. A counselor or faith leader can guide the conversations where you differ most.
How long before the wedding should you ask these questions?
Start as early as possible, ideally before you are engaged or early in the engagement, so differences can be discussed without wedding pressure.